Saturday, February 5, 2011

Vag Movie Review

I am divorced. I was married. I am currently not...married. How did I get to this status? One word- "ruin". Okay, I'm all thinky thinky at the moment because I just forced myself to watch Eat Pray Love. Now, I am not a huge Julia Roberts fan by any means. I think the woman is gorgeous but I feel like she acts the same in every movie. So when this movie came out I decided I wanted to see it but...meh...later. What I really wanted to do was read the god damn book first but let's be realistic on that ever happening.

"How....DID I get to this status?" asked once more by you but mostly by me. Well, I guess to be as vague as I possibly can be, you could say that both my ex and I played "tag you're it" with our marriage. "It" meaning "you are now the one that gets to push the other one away. When it was my turn to be "it"...well, I guess I've always been an overachiever in the fucking up category. What resulted from this little sad game was ruin.

The line I felt deepest in the movie was "ruin is the road to transformation". I have to point out that I am not a smarty. I am not particularly philosophical or political or idealogical...fuck, honestly I can't say I could even define any of those 'cals. I function on a "need to know/half assed/ keep it simple stupid/ good enough now let's go eat pizza" basis. But that little sentence "ruin is the road to transformation" literally made me breath. I heard it and I breathed.

This is not to say that I am going to be packing my shit up and high tailing it to Bali or India...well, Rome would be nice....but no, not even Rome. I want to be right here, physically. Emotionally I'd love to be anywhere but where I am. I'm not a basket case so don't go giving me any self help shit. I'm ok. I just need....well, I dunno what I just need. I've been saying "I just need" my whole life. "I just need someone to love me. I just need a baby. I just need more Reese's". I think I JUST need to stop saying "I just need" and get the fuck on with it.

"Ruins are the remains of human-made architecture: structures that were once complete, as time went by, have fallen into a state of partial or complete disrepair, due to lack of maintenance or deliberate acts of destruction." Interesting definition. The end is particularly cutting. "Lack of maintenance or deliberate acts of destruction". Yeah, that sounds about right.

So, now I am rebuilding. Some people think I have lost my fucking mind. SOME people think I am going through some sort of mid thirties crisis. Some people...need to love and support me and trust that even though I might not be a smarty I still am the one walking around in my own skin and I do know a little bit more about what it means to be me than they do.

And that, my dear wonderful beautiful friends, is what I took from Eat Pray Love. That and I really liked Julia's hair! I totally think my hair could look like that if I tried;D

Love you guys.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Snowpocalypse Log

Day 0 (night before the Snowpocalypse)
Kids are in bed......depressed beyond words....gonna get shit faced, sob and pass out. I think this plan will work out for me just fine since tomorrow is a snow day and I will only have to take care of my 4 children. I'm sure they will let me sleep until noon or at least until I'm not hungover. Kids love to sleep in on snow days, right???



Day 1
5:23 Baby Lucas wakes. Fuck......My.....Life.....

3 cups of coffee and 12 pieces of bacon later and miraculously I'm feeling completely fine. Everyone's getting along. The beautiful giant snowflakes are falling now. Not sure what Universe I'm in but I've decided to buy a time share here.

Snow bowl is full. Time to make the snow ice cream and try like hell not to hurl as I serve it.



Ew




Day 2
Gonna venture out today. No excuses even though my children treat snow like it's hot lava. Mandatory: snowman, snow angels, snowball fight, hot chocolate. Lemme see you smile, motherfuckers.


Oh!!! Look at these pitiful children!!! They don't have school and their wicked shitty Mother is forcing them to go PLAY in the snow! That BITCH! 

 

Day 3
We've made snow ice cream 3 times, made a snowman, beat the shit out of the snowman until it looked like a moose (that's normal, right?), watched probably round abouts of 54,836 hours of cartoon network and  a whopping 1/2 hour of Food Network (my kids are so generous) and eaten $150 worth of crap. I'm all out of ideas.

Oh, did I also mention that I've been repeatedly ordered to produce absurdly impossible origami figures....with printer paper? Have you ever tried to do an origami dragon with printer paper? It's kind of like trying to file your fingernails with a fucking feather (i.e. not possible). I'm sticking to doing origami people.



This is my man. He's doing the robot. That's an injured llama behind him that's awaiting surgery. He got shanked on Day 2 for smarting off to one of the Ugly Dolls (the dominant gang in the Wimer hood...you really don't wanna fuck with them).
  


Day 4
I was awakened today by baby Lucas sitting on my head and Tarzan screaming while Darley insisted I watch him "pretend to poop out a crayon". I just wanted to sleep until 6:30. Hopes and dreams dashed once more I heaved my chunky butt out of bed and into the kitchen to prepare the offerings of the day.

Darley informed me that he required more hot cocoa just as I noticed it started snowing again, thus further postponing any hope of an escape from this house of sausages (props to Becki). I had to excuse myself for a moment to process the situation. The following is a recreation of my emotional journey in pictures. I won't lie. It isn't attractive. I am no longer attractive. I am now made entirely of grossness...OK, I might be like 38% Reese's and 62% grossness....


despair 

"FUCKMYLIFE!!!" (muted, of course) 

Acceptance...breathing..

Composure...."it'll be ok...you're ok...we're ok...you can do this..."

"OK! More hot cocoa, you say, dear??? Certainly, pumpkin:D" 


PS So I stole this awesome quote from my friend and decided to use it on my kids when I was done with them ordering me around...."Ask not what your Mother can do for you, ask what you can do for your Mother" (props to Laura) to which James responded "I know what I can do! I can POOP on your cell phone!". Hmmm....not really what I had in mind:/