Thursday, June 6, 2013

Summer Brain



The awesome thing about being on a different schedule than 50% of my offspring is it further adds to my inability to get my shit together when I'm off my routine. 

SCHOOL'S OUT! Carefree livin', baby! No responsibilities.....don't gotta be anywhere at any particular time....I am FREE!!!....SHIT! The middle dudes still have 2 more weeks of school!!!


No problem. I can just roll out of bed at 10 till 8 and run them to school, right? Yeah, that's cool. No need (or time) to slap on a bra. Just throw on an ultra unflattering tube top dress and GO! I'm coming right back home, for Pete's sake.....right????? ......

5 minutes to get out the door and the 4 year old has an asthma attack...the 9 year old decides to rub nutella all over the 7 year old because....who the fuck remembers why...the 12 year old won't stop texting me FROM HIS ROOM...

Getting everyone dressed and in the car was a blur. I think I blacked out at one point. Of course, I didn't even notice the flatter than flat tire:/

So, I get almost to the boys' school before some nice little lady in a dually truck gives me the wide eyed over the top mime for "YOU HAVE A FLAT TIRE!!!!" I replied with a mimed "FUCK MY LIFE AND THANK YOU!!!" I was super close to school and I didn't hear any metal griding so I pressed on and crossed my fingers. After dropping off tweedle dee and tweedle oblivious I did begin to hear grinding so I pulled over and called my buds at AAA. Cue the 4 year old. He adores phone call time. Smart little booger that he is, he positioned himself in the very back of the van (outside of spanking reach) before he began with his glorious hyena screams and jackassery "fun". 

AAA Lady: Can you verify your address?

Me: ....shit...well, I've moved like 4 times in the past 3 years sooooo is it the PO Box?

AAA Lady: I'm not seeing a PO Box.

Me: HONEY, I CAN'T HELP YOU! I HAVE A CUP! DO YOU WANT TO POOP IN A CUP?

AAA Lady: I'm sorry?

Me: Sorry!!!...uh....is it the one ooooooooon...Futrall??? Fal...core???? (Good one, genius. That's the luck dragon on The Neverending Story).

AAA Lady: I have one on Falcon.

Me: THAT'S IT! ........CLOSE THE UMBRELLA NOW!!!!

Sweet Jesus.

So, the AAA man came and couldn't have been nicer. Of course, the whole time we were talking I was thinking "I saw your hiney. I saw your hiney. I don't have a bra on and I saw your hiney". While he changed my tire he explained how the screw that was in my tire had to have been PUT there on purpose. Then he asked if I had any enemies. That's always a fun joke. I was running through all the possible suspects (whatever, everyone loves me.....heh) when my Dad showed up to whisk my 4 year old off to the nearest toilet (we'll save the cup for another day....thankfuckingGOD). Before he left, my 4 year old had to ask the AAA man if he was a man or a woman. That's his favorite question. Harmless enough question....except when we encounter an extremely feminine man or a masculine woman. In this situation we were ok but later in the day we were not so lucky. But that's a story for another time. 

Today's lessons: 
1. It takes a millisecond to get a fucking bra on, so do it.
2. I need a bucket for the van.
3....I tried to think of a third but really 1 and 2 are probably the most crucial life skill lessons I got out of today.



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